Me, Myself & My Best-Self

Steering Through Relationships for Lifetime Lessons and Growth

• Claire Bennett

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Navigating relationships can feel like a complex maze, but what if we told you that it's a journey worth taking for personal growth? From my own life story, I share tales of diverse relationships, lessons learned, and the power of prioritising quality over quantity. This includes sharing about my father, his battles with alcoholism, and the crucial role of setting firm boundaries for my well-being.

Join me as we journey through the dynamics of friendships crafted in adulthood, the powerful influence of business networking, and the art of recalibrating relationships as we evolve. This episode is a treasure trove of personal insights and reflective moments, a reminder of the possibility of creating new connections and appreciating the impact each relationship has on our lives. Tune in, and find the inspiration to reassess and nurture your relationships for optimal well-being.

Speaker 1:

Hey there, curious minds and self-improvement dapplers, welcome to me, myself and my best self. The podcast where we casually navigate the maze of personal growth without the hype, no promises of overnight transformations or grand life revelations here, just real talk, relatable stories and a few laughs as we figure out this whole becoming our best selves thing. I'm Claire Bennet, your guide through the maze of life's quirks and challenges. Let's wander through it together. No pressure, no perfection, just a touch of curiosity. This week we're going to discuss relationships. Now, like with most things, they're not all created equal, as much as sometimes we don't like to admit it. People need people, us humans as social beings, and research constantly shows that our well-being is in string, in string I can't even say that word intrinsically tied to the quality of our relationships. From the moment we enter the world, our connection with others plays a fundamental role in shaping our experiences, whether it's the bond with family, friends or even strangers. These connections enrich or even impair our lives in a profound way. As I said, that's not all relationships are created equal and I'm sure when you look at your current relationships, you have different relationships to meet different needs. For example, you might have some very important professional relationships, but you're not going to be personal with them. But that doesn't mean that one relationship is necessarily more important than the other.

Speaker 1:

Right now I'm trying to grow my coaching and well-being business. Now, although my friends and some family members are great support for me, they're not necessarily the right people for me to get advice from or they're not going to help me grow my business on network. I need to find people like me so that we can support each other and learn from each other. In business, as the old saying goes, it's not what you know, but who you know. Some people might think that this saying is all about nepotism, but I just think it makes good business sense. For example, as a coach, I cannot and I don't work with everyone, so having a network of coaches enables me to pass on referrals. It's a win-win. My network gets a potential client and the client finds a good coach. Most experts will tell you when starting a new career or business or when trying to grow your business, you should surround yourself with people that have already done it. They act as inspiration and often people are happy to give you advice. Most of the time, all you have to do is ask why not learn from a pro or take you less time than trying to do it alone.

Speaker 1:

Over the past few weeks, I've been thinking a lot about my own relationships. I'm lucky. I have good family relationships, good relationships with my husband, have a good group of friends, and as I get older, I recognise that quality of relationship is better than quantity, and I also know that I'm not going to get all of my needs met from one person. Also, all relationships need to be nurtured and one of the most important things is you get out what you put into a relationship. Although I do have really good relationships in my life, not all my relationships are good and for some of these relationships I no longer see the person. But I do have one relationship where I've decided to keep that person as part of my life, and with this relationship I have steadfast boundaries.

Speaker 1:

This relationship is with my dad. My dad is an alcoholic and it has now got to the stage where the alcohol is his whole life. Over the past eight years I've tried to support him quick drinking. I've tried everything from having him stay with me to completely cutting him out of my life, but every time he chooses to drink, I spend time with me. I take it personally even to the point that at one point I believe that it was something that I was doing. I've done a lot of work on myself to help me deal with this relationship. I now know that his actions are nothing to do with me and I have no control over his drinking, but I don't want to cut my dad out of my life and I also recognise that alcoholism is a disease, but it's only him that can try and fight it. So I have really clear boundaries with my dad. For example, I will not see him if he's been drinking and, as most of the time this probably means that I don't see him, If he needs help, he needs to contact me. I'm not going to preempt what I think he needs. I found that when I did try and preempt what he needed, I was spending so much energy on doing everything for my dad and most of the time it wasn't necessarily something that he wanted and I definitely got no thanks for it.

Speaker 1:

One of the biggest challenges for me was that I try and call my dad and on most occasions he doesn't pick up. I presume he was drunk or asleep. Now this could persist for a few weeks. It would get to the point where I'd have to go to my dad's flat to do a welfare check in reality to see if he was still alive. His constant behaviour led to a lot of stress in my life, so I put in a solution that would help me. I got my dad a cleaner one that is very sympathetic to his needs. They clean once a week, so at least I know once a week my dad is OK, and if there are any red flags then I'm lucky enough that she does call me.

Speaker 1:

This solution has meant that I'm not living in constant anxiety and also that I'm not resenting my dad and his drinking. It's not perfect, but I'm making it work. But I am lucky. I have great relationship with my sister, and having someone to experience this with helps because we both understand what we're going through. And so, although I'm confident that I'm dealing with this relationship the best way that I can, and although it's far from positive, I've got to the place where it has minimal impact on my wellbeing. I've realised that I could benefit for some more support, though. I looked up therapy, but I decided that actually group dynamic would be beneficial for me. So here in the UK they have a support group called AI and ON. It's basically alcohol alcohol, anonymous, for family and friends. I've decided to start going to the meetings as I feel I need that extra support to navigate this part of my life and, just like business, it's probably best to learn from someone that has already gone through it, but I do also believe that you need to know when to walk away from relationships or know when you need to stop making an effort. Maybe you're initiating all the contact and you feel that the relationship is all one sided.

Speaker 1:

I have a relationship like this at the moment in my life and it is one that has played and it has really played on my mind and probably it's the reason I decided to actually talk about this today. This friend moved away a few years ago and in that time I've made the effort to go and see them at their house on more than one occasion. A few months back, I made plans again to see them, but unfortunately my husband dead up in hospital for a few days and life just got a bit busy. When I let this friend know, they said oh, let's just replan when you can come and see me. There's no suggestion of them coming to see me or even meeting me halfway Now. I'm not going to fall out with this person. We all have busy lives and if I'm near their neck of the woods then I'll arrange to see them. Also, if I organise any events, they'll be invited, but I'm not going to make a special effort. I'm sure I'll keep in touch with this friend and maybe later our lives will resync with each other. But at this moment we live in very different lives and although it's not a negative relationship, it's also not having a positive impact.

Speaker 1:

I think sometimes we need to take stock of our relationships and dial up the ones that have the biggest positive impact and dial down the ones that are less positive. Now, positive relationships. Research just constantly shows that strong social connections contribute to our happiness, our resilience and even our physical health. But what makes a relationship quality? For me, a healthy relationship needs to have open and honest communication. You need to have trust. You also need to have mutual respect for the person and for the relationship. You need to have things in common and actually enjoy spending time with them. They need to be an energiser in your life and not a drainer. But most importantly and this is the one that I would always consider is that it needs to be an equal relationship, meaning that you're both putting in the same effort. Now, I think that relationships are not always equal and that sometimes you might need to put in more effort and vice versa, but overall, the relationship should be equal and you need to be a source of support for each other.

Speaker 1:

I found over the years that I've had friendships come and go, like the one I just spoke about. These can be intimate relationships, friendships, professional and even family members. In most cases, there was not a big talk or a big breakup, or maybe, for the intimate ones, we just drifted apart. Our lives evolved and the relationship didn't evolve with it. On the most part a lot of these relationships, I'd welcome the person back into my life with open arms, but I don't grieve these relationships. Instead, I'm thankful for them. They came into my life, left. A positive impact might even be friends with some of them. On Facebook, I'll like their posts and say happy birthday once a year, but beyond that, it's not an active relationship and I think we need to be okay with that. I also think we need to be okay with not everyone wanting to be our friend. This is a lesson I learnt when I moved to Madrid.

Speaker 1:

I was 29 and now living in a country where I knew no one except for my husband. For the first few months it was lonely. I didn't even speak the language so I couldn't even make conversation with the checkout person as I was doing my food shop. I also didn't have any children and most people were moving to a new country, find friends through their children's school or children's activities. We also didn't live in an expat area. All our neighbours were Spanish. They were lovely, but, as I said, I didn't speak Spanish so I had to start dating for friends. I met a few people through my husband's work and so anytime anyone invited us anywhere we went. I also started yoga and Spanish classes. I lived in Madrid for just over four years and in that time I met hundreds of people.

Speaker 1:

And now, 14 years on and back in the UK, I still have some of these people in my life, but I can count them on one hand and to different degrees. For example, my friend Irene is now one of my best friends and I pretty much speak to her at least once a week or see her once a week, or to Helen, who maybe I speak to or I see once a year, but what I learned from this experience is that it's hard to make friends as an adult and when you're actively looking for new friends. You are not going to be friends with everyone, and that is OK, but I think making new friends is imperative for a positive life. As you evolve as a person, you need people in your life to support this evolution. Think about it when was the last time that you made a new friend? Is there a part of your life that would benefit from a new friend?

Speaker 1:

One of my goals the next year is to nurture my positive relationships, those relationships that energize me, that bring me joy. I've already got some dates in the diary with Vicky and Jeanette, who I've known for 30 years, and, although we might not see each other as much as we'd like, we always make the time for each other. I've also set up a monthly breakfast date for me, my mum and my sisters Just something casual where we can sit down and enjoy each other's company. Also, with the husband, we have started to make a list of things that we want to do next year, from holiday destinations to household repairs, stuff that we can do together. I'm also actively looking for ways to increase my professional network. I've been using things like Meetup and what's the other one. Everbright have some great events and you can usually find groups of people that for me it will be Coyctin or Welbeam. But if you're into technology, there's groups of technology, there's groups of entrepreneurs, there's groups of finance. So I'll be looking at that and making sure that I attend them.

Speaker 1:

And then and I think we need to put ourselves out there with relationships I think it's all too easy that just because the relationship has been in our life for a long, long time, you don't need to nurture it. But I think relationships are so important. They really do impact our health, our wellbeing, they make life worth living, and I think we lock down, we kind of got out of that habit of seeing people especially face to face. But you can do it online. There are lots of relationships that people have online. But get out there, nurture your relationships. And so I think with relationships in all their intrinsic forms are the threads that weave the fabric of our lives.

Speaker 1:

As we navigate this complex maze of personal growth, it's essential to recognise that not all relationships are created equal. They serve different purposes, meet different needs and contribute to the rich tapestry of our experiences. Reflecting on my own journey through relationships, I've come to appreciate the importance of quality over quantity. The people we surround ourselves with play a significant role in shaping our lives. From friends and family to professional connections, each relationship carries its unique weight and impact In the realm of our own experiences. Maintaining a healthy relationship with my father despite the challenges of alcoholism has taught me the importance of steadfast boundaries and seeking support when needed. It's a testament to the resilience we can find within ourselves and the strength derived from positive connections.

Speaker 1:

Sometimes we have relationships that we can't just walk away from, but you can put boundaries Quite. Often people say to me do you know what? I have this relationship with my sister or brother or mother or father or friend, and when I try and talk to them about X, they're always so dismissive or this. Or now. Sometimes you need to be the change that you want to see. So start treating that person the way that you want them to treat you. And it's amazing sometimes that, as much as we don't feel like we have control over somebody else no, we don't, and sometimes that person is never going to change. But we can control how we act within that situation.

Speaker 1:

Remember it's okay to reassess and recalibrate our relationships. As life evolves, so do we, and the connections that once served us might need adjustments. It's not about closing chapters, but about recognizing the ebb and flow of our relationships. So, as you ponder the relationships in your life, consider this positive connections contribute significantly to happiness, resilience and overall wellbeing. What makes a relationship quality is the foundation of open communication, trust, mutual respect, shared experiences and equal effort. Now, as I wrap up today's podcast, take a moment to reflect on your own relationships. Are they energizing or draining, supportive or stifling? Remember it's never too late to nurture new connections. In the grand tapestry of life, each relationship past, present leaves a mark, and for that we can be grateful. So thank you for joining me on this episode of me myself and my best self. Until next time, keep wandering through the maze with curiosity, embracing the imperfections, and, as always, seek in your best self without the pressure of perfection. Cheers to the journey.